The World at Last became Dumb

 

donald_trump_august_19_2015_cropped

 

Thump the drum, for Trump has triumphed

An exemplary incendiary withstanding all storms

Unabashedly demagogue for they say he talks without reason

Now it became clear he is now the man of the season

 

Across all borders, he’s known- a rabble-rouser

His mission was clear; to defeat the Democrat’s poser

And yes! He has distinguished skirts from trousers

It takes a man to be charged a BILL and still remain HILARY (ious)

 

Now comes the time Nigerians stick to the REPUBLIC if we CAN

America though isn’t paradise, Dangote made it where I am

All I wish for is ease for us wherever we are

For either we like it or not, the world is in Trump’s era

 

A TRUMPet again for the whole Ummah,

Never was America in history nice to beard or the Musimah

The dream has always remained the same, you can also infer

Despite the odds, Islam keeps getting stronger.

 

Glad tidings to that someone, a total stranger

Who neither wanes in faith, from fitnah always capper

Tribulations; the prophet said; never makes him sadder

In ease, thanks were his waters

And in trials; his patience never taper.

 

For together we can be great again!

 

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Eddie’s Diary (part 5)

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The chick in the purple top, high waist skirt and flat heel Akube footy definitely knows how to dress. Her resplendent beauty speaks a lot of the treasure she has spent on herself for her somewhat two and a half decade. The way she coils and turns on the metal seat covered with a little bit of comfy foam would inform the onlooker she isn’t easy sitting on such for so long. The Aura of her perfume was sure enough the reason flies couldn’t get to her despite the stench of spoilt banana peel that have rented the whole space. Although she is a snob, her fair complexion couldn’t make you want nothing more than talk to her. Then, there is this sweet mother of two. The older of the pair being nothing less than three years old. Her long hairs might have been enough a speculation that she is Fulani, but her tongue betrayed such- she speaks Yoruba like ‘’mad’’. Her brother however has been a whiner for more than an hour. He enjoys nothing more than fondling her mother’s milk factory. Any attempt to rob him of his fundamental ‘’baby’’ right has always ended in what can be called ‘’civil right action’’- a drastic revolution that involves all civilians present. The mother has been graciously patient to bear the ‘’protests’’ but the deep bass voice of the man sitting at the front corner brings his disturbing shrill voice to a halt. This man has been the Google and the CNN of the bulk. It is as if all information passes through him before they get to the news papers. Had Uncle Kola had known, he would have remained mute when he entered into the bus. For in Nigeria today, if you want to get everybody involved in your discussion, just start with……’’ we no know wetin this buhari government de do sef ?’’ The next outpourings be sure isn’t going to be yours. This was exactly what Uncle kola did that became more than he can chew.

Eddie sat quietly for most part of the seven hour journey. He has never left his town for a city as big as Lagos. The only tale he heard was from John, their area brother who went wretched and came back influential. He was told that Lagos is the home of the wise and the smart. Home of the brave, wealthy and home of the paid. It’s also home of the homeless, the hurt, the deceived. Home of disasters that leave families in need. Some say it is even the home of hatred and the home of greed. So cursed a city that whatever you earn never leave its shore. Ironically, whatever you do therein remains blessed.

His only hope of survival was a childhood friend; Zachara, whom John had met. Zachara had been a funny creature right from childhood. In everything he did, there is always a grotesque touch of his ingenuity. He is the only one that can take Garri with Carrot, Eba and moi moi. He alone had made a combination of Yam flour (elubo) and Semolina flour. His intention that day was to make Amala, but he later found out the yam flour would not suffice his dabbling. His decision was apt and quick- ‘’no be flour dem both be? Abeg make I add semo jare’’. Indeed, the result was so amphoteric; a mixture of black and white.

Worthy of note was when he and Eddie gate crashed on a birthday party. Luckily for them, food, snacks and drinks were in abundance that they ate more than their satisfaction. No doubt, Zachara was a glutton, but he was also known for his intelligence and brilliance. On seeing the free flow of food, he begged Eddie to assist in packing some of the left over, uneaten doughnuts home; a proposal to which Eddie obliged with the thought of giving out some of the loot. On getting home, Zachara decided otherwise, and kept the more than a dozen doughnuts in his possession. Without much ado, the doughs were not finished that fateful day, but because of his greediness, he decided to warm the doughnut the following day. This, his mum couldn’t believe until she saw him warm it on the third day herself.
Eddie couldn’t believe his ears when he was told this awkward friend of his now occupy a two bedroom flat and owns a big variety store in one of the busiest streets of Lagos. ‘’Surely’’, Eddie thought, ‘’God is in Lagos’’.

On getting to the outskirts, few minutes to Lagos, it had already gone dark. With the nightmare of his encounter with the thieves still left in him, Eddie became uneasy and persistently asked the driver how long it was for them to get to their destination. This was rather to the amusement of the 18 legal occupant of the Toyota Hiace bus and the small kids therein- the Fulani girl inclusive who had been fond of Eddie all along.  He couldn’t help but narrate his experience to them to which they all advised he never should try such a thing in Lagos, except he wishes to die soon. The man with the Bass voice had told him categorically: ‘’my son, to survive in Lagos means proving not too smart and not too dull’’.

Ido motor park was the drop off point which was different from the Oshodi motor park on Eddie’s address. He had slept off when they got there. He had no option other than to sleep at the park. He was however welcomed by the ever supportive ‘’Agbero’’ boys (Street urchins) and the melodious voices of the ‘’Anopheles family’’ band (mosquito).  

Eddie’s Diary (Episode 4)

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‘’Force Majeure’’ basically means superior power. Either one likes it or not, you have eternally entered an agreement with nature that whatever good that befalls you never would come easy. We never wanted to come to this world, yet we came. And it is by this same force we would leave. This same force of nature as explained by physicists is calculated thus; MASS×AREA. One would realize that if you wish to increase one’s reverence, quality, prosperity, versatility and scope in this world, one has to get them by FORCE!

This explains perfectly Eddie’s current predicament. His will of not leaving and the fear of what to face. But as Okoro had said:  ‘’he is to seek greener pastures’’.

Igboko had been his place of birth and the dearest to him among all places. There, he was born, bred and fed. He even hopes, sometimes after being an Octogenarian that it should be here he would be announced dead. The thought of his poor mother drew him closer to the town but his prospects in the unknown world entices him the more to ‘’go ye forth and reproduce’’ his potentials into reality.

Fresh in his memories was John. He had thought to himself:  ‘’John, our area brother had gone to Lagos wretched but came back home with a Nissan car’’ Although he knew less than nothing of the model of the car, but he was sure it got the attention of all the beautiful girls in his area then. He also knew the car produce a kind of sound when on ignition, similar to Mama Ojo’s engine. Her milling machine unarguably produces the worst sound on earth. It would begin with a loud spark that goes on for five times before finally giving an explosive sound just as experienced in the Ashanti wars. Yet, it got the fancy of all. What amazes the onlookers was far beyond the rickety car, but how rapid John’s life can be transformed in just two Months-no one cared about what he does for a living.

He was thrown in a dilemma- to choose between the devil and the red sea. In fact, it was the black unclear sea. After much contemplation, he chose the latter and foremost on his mind was Lagos. Alas! He must be on his way.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Eddie’s Diary (Episode 3)

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It all started when he was thirteen. His Home Economics teacher had explained to them the first aid procedure when domestic accidents happen. A boy had broken his right arm after engaging in an energy usurping fight with Anike. Being the most powerful although not the eldest, Anike wielded such a power that even school prefects do consult her to deal with hard bones difficult to crush among the students. It was told that she was in the senior belt category in her Taekwondo class organized by Mr Bala; a former Olympic medalist. Kanu, being the victim of the rather unfortunate incident was a new student who had relied much on his size and height after much persuasion from his colleagues to calm down and let go all grudges he might have against ‘’Mike Tyson’’. That however fell on deaf ears for he was bent on getting back his money mistakenly taken by Anike. She had spent it all before she realized it wasn’t hers’.

Before long, the surprisingly long argument degenerated further into exchange of blows. In no time, rains of unrepentant blows landed unguarded on Kanu’s succulent face. She picked him up eventually, showed him to his creator without breaking a sweat and smashed the already hopeless entity on the rugged mother earth. Alas, his left arm produced a funny sound and it became official. He, at that moment had become an orthopaedic patient.

This ‘’Smack-down’’ was witnessed by the Home Economics teacher who ran to Kanu’s rescue and braced his already broken hand with too wooden rulers she found available before the victim was taken to the hospital for treatment. Although Kanu spent Three months nursing the broken arm, what was more memorable was the beating administered on Anike by virtually all members of staff.

Eddie, during the tangle with Jaguar; the head of the gang, got his arm broken. He retaliated thus by managing to dip the dagger he had seized into the Jaguars’ belly. He was sure enough to miss vital parts so as not to kill him but the effect, strong enough to keep him motionless before the law enforcement agents came to his rescue. He ended the fight by decimating Jaguars right leg in such a way he would use clutches for the rest of his life- So Eddie was told afterwards by the doctor in charge of his treatment.

The following days that followed were agog with the news of the Jacky Chan-like encounter between Eddie and the thieves. It was later discovered that those set of people were not just petty thieves but specialized armed robbery bandit that has for long been terrorizing the people of that area. Mr Amusa, the thrift collector had attested to that fact and Jaguar himself had on interrogation confirmed the shocking but joyful story. The people of IGBOKO are free, at least for a while, from the fear of terror.

No Joy can be compared to that of Eddies’ as he felt more like a king than just a saviour. While still on admission at the General hospital, the cloth he wore the day of the fracas was brought to him for he passed out immediately he knew the police were around to free Jaguar from his grip. His mind ran back to his money and how it might have disappeared. He was so disappointed when the nurse handed over his Three thousand five hundred and twenty five naira back to him. ‘’it was found in your pocket’’, she said.

On his side was his ‘’wife’’– his mother who was the only one allowed to be with him. All the people of Igboko town had wanted to gain entry into the private ward and witness their hero recuperating. With tears on her cheeks, she had welcomed him back to life with an enchanting smile. All Eddie could remember at that moment was the nursery poem by Ann Taylor. He remembered these lines perfectly:

Who sat and watch my infant head

When sleeping on my cradle bed

And tears of sweet affection shed?

My mother!

He couldn’t help but join in the sweet-sour affectionate moment. It was during that moment of tears that his ‘’other’’ family members came in. The crew was led by Sergeant Okoro himself. Eddie was so elated that he was able to spot some Okro Soup stains on Okoro’s Shirt. The later had told him jokingly that he couldn’t eat at all since he heard of the incident. The whole hospital had shaken to its roots from their laughter and chattering but was cut short when the district head came to pay his courtesy visit to the town’s hero. He informed Eddie the town would foot his hospital bill and he was given a sum of Twenty thousand Naira for domestic use.

Although he later got donations amounting to forty five thousand naira, but the soldiers were sure to collect their 10 percent from the Twenty thousand he was given by the chief. Their reason- Eddie had used their tricks for his exploit! They however before leaving, informed him to leave the town once he is hale and hearty as that’s not safe for him and leaving can even afford him the chance of seeking greener pastures.

Eddie’s Diary (episode 2)

 

diaryThe squeaking of the unforeseen creatures that has colonized the nearby bushes had successfully announced the arrival of the night. The hefty shrubs have submitted to the violent roars of the faceless wind. Even the riverbanks remained silent without the right of an attorney; the river, who had showed brilliance in the day. It was a night not to forget for it was lit by the fifteenth day moon. Bright and glowing from the cloth endowed on it by the gracious sun. Eddie had thought to himself…. ‘’so, even the moon do depend on the sun to shine.’’  ‘’why!’’, he muttered ‘’…..can’t human beings be merciful to each other. God in his wisdom had created us unequal. Yet, in our foolishness, we refuse to be merciful to our fellow being?’’.

A large part of Eddie’s two decade and something on earth had been spent with different masters of different disciplines. The memory he cherishes most was with Dr Okonta; a Geographer and Astronomist. He is in his late forties with a  stature tall enough to dwarf a lab stool. Pompous and proud, he carries himself like a don that he is for his library’s book capacity can’t be rivaled by any in the neighbourhood, not even the Government in the district. With a well marked protruding belly arising not from alcoholic habits (although he rinses his mouth with three bottles when he has no appetite) but from excessive feeding on meat. Although his Doctor had warned of the consequence, yet, he murmurs the words to himself- que cera cera (whatever will be shall be). What became of him, happened to be Eddie’s saddest regret.

He had taught Eddie the names of planets in the solar system and how they rotate around the sun. He yelled loudly one day when Eddie answered his rhetoric of how many planets make up our solar system to which he answered- ‘’ Nine sir’’. Kabam sounded the slap on the table for he detests slapping his boy. ‘’ I have told you times without number Pluto isn’t a planet’’ he said in a voice shrill enough to wake a sleeping baby. This is a point of view he alone held on to among his numerous colleagues. In one of their classes was when he told Eddie how the Sun, Moon and the Earth were related. They were so close a ‘’pal’’ that people refer to them as father and son, hence the epithet given to Eddie being- ‘’Eddie Okonta’’.

Eddie dipped his soiled hand into his pocket once again to feel the crispiness of the new naira notes in his pocket when he thought to himself; ‘’ So if this stupid driver hadn’t driven into this sand bags, I wouldn’t  have had this much on me. Wow! He is indeed the sun to my Moon and I am surely going to illuminate this radiance to my home’’.

With few more paces to the town church; the front of which he would take the right turning and walk a hundred and thirty two paces before he can see the roof of his house, he could sense that the cackles of the toads and chirping of the crickets had stopped. The moon had gone dimmer and even he can no longer recognize his shadows. ‘’This’’ he whispered, ‘’….is a sign of danger’’. As if they heard him from his mind, they moved swiftly on him and surrounded him before he could locate any escape route. Yes! He has been outnumbered, and weaponless. The only weapon he has was his legs- to run. But that is now utterly useless.

Few weeks to that very moment, a similar occurrence had happened along that same pathway. Mr Amusa, the towns’ most popular and trusted thrift collector had been waylaid by a notorious set of armed robbers. All his thrift of the day were collected and only God saved his life after the incidence. On surviving the merciless beatings he received that very day, he recovered into the hands of the owners of the money he had been holding that fateful day. Rumours had it that he had connived with the said thieves to steal the money and that he had acted out the beating too. But, all in all, that was history and what is about happening to Eddie is reality; acted or drafted.

With the faint determination to survive the encounter, Eddie decided not to release the hard earned money he had on him no matter what these evil people would do to him. Jaguar, the leader of the gang addressed Eddie thus: ‘’ Mr Eddie abi wetin be your name. you know say we no get time at all at all. So , in order to save your life, ….submit whatever de your pocket’’ ‘’Oga’’ , Eddie replied shivering; ’’ I be farm labour and Mr Nobody. I no get shingbain for pocket sir. In fact na the last kobo we de my pocket I use chop garri for afternoon. Abeg no kill me sir. A be the only pikin my mama born’’.

Before long, Jaguar ordered a member of the five-man gang armed with machete, knives, daggers and a local Riffle still hung at the back of the leader to search Eddie. He knew he was finished already as he had lied to the leader and probably his punishment would be tripled if he wasn’t killed eventually. He stood there bemoaning his desolate mother who people called his wife. He lamented how Officer Mufu had warned him to go home on time and how he blatantly refused. All that was on his mind was to finish an already paid contract. All he wanted to do was make a change in the world by doing his little bit. In this terrible agitation of mind, he reflected what mortification it would be for members of his other ‘’family’’ not to see the new Awilo Logomba Shirt he plans to buy with a certain portion of the money. All these were unveiling themselves in his mind even before the tiny, malnourished thief responsible for the search exercise could take his second step towards him.

As if propelled from a terrorist grenade, the little stint of determination remaining in his mind lighted up is muscles and instantly, his brain swung into action. He had overheard his soldier friends discuss how each escaped an enemy territory, single handedly! Sergeant Okoros’ was the most remarkable- He had wrestled with the guard placed in his charge and snatched the key to the prison from him. That, then was the only weapon that could save him for he opened other guard rooms housing more notorious personalities waiting patiently for their day of vengeance and their population served as cover for his escape.

With the speed of light he had watched the driver of the hummer bus displayed, he landed the strongest punch he could muster the courage and energy to garner on the poor criminal who fell face down within split second. As if they didn’t know what hit them, the bandits rank was disrupted and the night that had gone darker provided cover for some of them to scamper for safety. They had met their match.

Eddie took the dagger hanging around the fallen thief’s neck and went after the running thieves. He followed the sound of their paces and eventually cut up with one. It was a fierce fight as Eddie who had gained encouragement from the devastating blow he administered wrestled with all his might. Kraaaakkk! A bone broke and a loud yell followed.  This was immediately silenced by another yell louder than the first. It was such a gory sight. Within five minutes of the contest, the community vigilante’s whistles could be heard and alas, he came across two able bodied men lying helplessly in the pool of their blood.

Eddie’s Diary

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The beaming smile of the evening sun bouncing away worries in liquid form from Edddie’s cracked skin was not so soothing a feeling than the cooling pangs of the gentle flow of the Benue River massaging the touch of weariness off his tired legs. Oh! It was so arduous a day. All he could think of was how to get home to the embracing aroma of his wife’s Fufu and Moringa soup. This, he knew couldn’t happen unless he escapes the burgeoning routine of filling sands into polythene bags and changing the fuel in the lamps of the ‘’battalion’’ of soldiers that mount road block on his way home. A job he doesn’t receive a penny for but magnanimous slaps from generously thick sets of palms from the godogodo men.

As usual, he had no choice but to render his service to our dear fatherland through optimum commitment to the soldiers; his other family. He wishes to be like them though! How easy it would be to take home 5,000 Naira every other night without sweat or labour as they are used to. ‘’What a waste’’; he would muse to himself. ‘’All these my muscles are just for nothing!’’; ‘’ My thicker palms even have a firmer grip on those Ak’s’’. ‘’If not for pa that stopped me from going to school’’.  These series of if nots were always interrupted by constant honk of impatient commercial motorists who dare not drive away without settling the ever patient men of the armed forces.

‘’Sergent Okoro, who was rather the only gentle and more compassionate of the Officers, was the one in charge today!  Oh thank God, I would have that bluish looking Naira note added to the myriad of rubbishes in my pocket’’. So had Eddie been thinking to himself before a loud bang different from the normal tootle destroyed his lucky day, but created a luckier one.

It had happened this way:

The ‘’Hummer Bus’’ seemed to have wanted to jump the orderly assembly of ‘’tax collection’’ but lost control, hit and destroyed the Sand bag Eddie has been arranging all evening. In what might be termed the run of the century, the driver of the fateful vehicle managed to park safely as that’s the safest thing to do, alighted from the bus and instantly sped off with the speed of light humanly possible.

Rather than laughing at the outrightly funny melodrama unfolding before the eyes of those present, the least they could do in their pity for the already dead man was to place both hands on their head with repeated chants similar to the chattering of a duck about to eat. Those who couldn’t take it cried bitterly for him, for yes…..He was dead!

The passengers of the bus who were still recovering from the shock of their life welcomed calmly Sergent okoro whose Boots were brushed by the speedy tires and handed gently the bus keys to him. It is not their life that was at stake then, but that of their driver who had committed a capital offence- He almost hit an army officer but managed to destroy his means of livelihood- the sand bag! His Road Block! And His shelter! What a mess!

Eddie was among the heavy sympathizers. His wailing was heard the most. His fifteen years experience as a professional mourner came to play. Little did he know that his service that day would be magnanimously rewarded unlike what he do receive for even more exhausting and time consuming mourning outing.

Before long, Sergent Okoro had tested the claims of the passenger beside the driver that the break of the bus had failed few meters to the blockade. The claim was true but even gruesome. It had failed kilometers back. Oh! What a sigh of relief! That surely should be recorded as the happiest day in the life of the driver. Yes, our dear Oga Okoro was compassionately merciful. The driver won’t be punished for his crime of crushing the sacred edifice. In fact, he would even be rewarded for managing to park the bus nearby and fleeing far off. Although if not for the timely intercession of the elderly passengers, his fine of 5,000 would have been inflated to 20,000 as suggested by Officer Bitrus who sighted police biro and transport charges.

Here comes Eddie’s lucky day……..

He is no doubt the Minister of Works, Labour and Power. That day, he became the CBN Governor of that little republic. He was summoned and asked how much would be required to rebuild the wall of the castle. Instantly, the voice of his wife earlier that morning rang repeatedly with reverse speed of an India film music scene.  ‘’you better come home with something better, or else the change agenda would be made manifest in this household. In fact, power would be given to other people’’.  With quick alacrity he replied: ‘’Three thousand five hundred and thirty five naira’’.

Sharply, Officer Mufu retorted as a trained and experienced officer in the Quick Response Team; ‘’na two thousand eight hundred we go give you’’. Immediately Eddie protested against the cruelty and maintained his stance of collecting nothing less than Three thousand two hundred Naira for the contract.

Seeing that the fracas is becoming a disgrace to the officers in uniform, Sergeant Okoro ordered Three thousand five hundred to be the fee of the loyal contractor for work to begin on the site so that more money can easily come in.

The work began. The driver was punished slightly. The officers shared graciously the remaining income. But what happened afterwards? ……..Thats another story for another day.

We can’t Atone

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Have you seen the seed that you sow?
From the earth, how it grows?
Or are you amazed with the cotton you sew?
Distinguishing humans from animals low…
Honoured is the horse above dogs and sow-
How it was? Only he knows.

From toddlers, along the path we go.
Without help, our yeast rose to dough.
Wherever he blows us, we just must flow
Yet we realize not, it is with his grace we glow.

If by his wish, we‘re like grass to doe-
Perambulating, amidst the bush we ‘ld roam
Or by his will, plants should troll-
For sunlight and water- to gain control
We would all have been in disarray thrown,
Oh! None deserves our worship, our praise; his own,
So mighty is Allah, high above is throne.

To you I bow-
Bless my sown.